Living With Regret
by Burning Snow
Summary: After years of loving Sirius, Remus still hasn't had the courage to express his feelings. When he is about to make the attempt, be finds that Sirius has already taken a lover. Years later, Sirius is imprisoned; Remus pays a visit to his cell. SBXSS SBXRL
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter. Sadly, I do not own Sirius Black or Remus Lupin, either. How I wish I did.

**So** anyway—this is a SLASH fic, Remus/Sirius. This fic has chapters. As I'm studying in Paris at the moment I may be a bit delayed on updates (the internet in my dorm is kinda funky). But never fear—most of the fic is already written, so it's not like I'll keep you hanging for months…or years…(as I have with my other fics…sorry!).

**Please**, please review. You don't know how depressing it is to look at my stats page on a story and see 250 hits with only 1 review.

**Enjoy!**

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Once again, Remus found himself being thrown to the bed. His lover's warm breath on his neck sent chills up his spine. "Please," he whispered, and his love eagerly complied.

Remus felt a pair of lips sucking furiously down his skin as the buttons on his shirt became undone. He shirt was ripped off and tossed to the floor. The other man had moved to a position between his crotch and his stomach, and was wasting no time in playfully licking along the waistband of Remus' pants.

Remus moaned in longing, and attempted to thrust upward toward his love's face. His pants were far too tight; this was driving him mad.

Finally, the other man unbuttoned Remus' pants and skillfully unzipped them with his teeth. They, too, were thrown to the floor.

Remus was aching with desire. He needed relief.

His lover shed his own clothes, and his naked body glistened in the moonlight. He was hard, and seemed just as full of desire as Remus.

He leapt on top of Remus, and as he was about to dive into the full passion when he shouted, "Remus!"

Remus became confused. Doesn't one usually cry out at the climax?

The shout came again—"Remus!"—and this time it was accompanied with the soft blow to the head.

What in Merlin's name?

Reluctantly, Remus Lupin opened his eyes. Sunlight blazed through an open window, and the man with whom he's just been partaking in lovemaking was staring at him from across the room.

"Get up, mate," Sirius Black laughed. "Classes start in an hour."

Remus flushed, glancing around. He had been dreaming. Of course. How else would he be having sex with his secret love?

"You must have been having some dream," Sirius continued, tying his long, raven-black hair into a neat ponytail and throwing on his school robes. "You were tossing and turning, muttering something…but you didn't seem to want to wake up." He shot a knowing look at Remus and gave his classic half-smirk.

Lupin felt even more heat rising to his face. He decided to admit a wet dream…though he would never say with who. He tried to laugh it off. "You've got me pinned, Padfoot. You know me—all those books have got to lead to some repressed sexual desires."

The other boy grinned. "Was she hot at least?"

"Hotter than you can imagine."

"Well, I dunno. I can imagine quite a bit."

They bantered for a while, Remus hurriedly getting dressed in the process, and headed down to breakfast together.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or Harry Potter. The great JK does.

I present to you the second chapter in good faith. Please review!

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"You love him, don't you?"

James' voice knocked Remus right out of his stupor. "Wha-what are you talking about?" he asked nervously.

James inclined his head toward Sirius, who was further down the table, currently telling scary stories about the castle to a bunch of first years. One poor boy looked like he was about to wet himself.

"You have been staring at him this entire time," James said smugly.

"No!" Remus protested, a little to adamantly. "I was just…zoning out…"

"Yeah, and I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts. You always look at him like that, Moony. Just admit it."

Remus, after an immense internal struggle, sighed. "Fine, James, you win. Just don't…don't say anything, alright?"

"Of course not," his friend replied. Remus was relieved. Once James gave his word, he never went back on it. "However…I think you should say something."

"Are you joking?" Remus exclaimed. "I can't do that!"

"Sure you can. Just like I told Lily." James winked at him. "I know we're best mates and all, and you probably don't want to ruin that…but you'll regret it forever if you don't tell him."

Sometimes James Potter made so much sense. "Alright, I'll say something. But I'll do it just before summer, that way if he's angry he'll have two months to cool off."

James nodded his head in agreement. Sirius chose that moment to plop down beside him. "Merlin, those kids are easy to scare!"

And the three of them laughed as they usually did after their antics. Remus felt self-assured. In a few short months, he and Sirius may be a couple. They could be sitting here exactly like this next year, except he and Sirius would have their arms wrapped around each other.

Merlin, how wonderful that would be.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.

Yep, and here's the third chapter. Not done with the 4th yet so you'll have to wait for that one…but enjoy this!

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The months leading toward the end of their sixth year flew by. Soon it was early spring, and James was beginning to give Remus pointed stares that were obviously ordering him to tell Sirius of his feelings. Each time, Remus' eyes would widen in fright, and he'd come up with some excuse for why not yet.

In this way, summer came and went. Remus spent the entire two months kicking himself for being such a damn coward. Still, when September came, and then October, and finally November, he still had not admitted his deepest secret.

His dreams persisted, and they only got more and more vivid. Once he cried out Sirius' name. Luckily Sirius awoke in such a stupor that Remus and James were able to convince him Remus had shouted, "Imperius!" (As in "Not the Imperius!" Apparently, he had been having a very, very bad dream.)

December began, and with it came thoughts of Christmas. The castle was decorated in its usual way, and a dance on Christmas Eve was announced. This was unusual for Hogwarts, but the staff had decided to give Christmas a new spin this year.

The festivities brought to Remus a fresh determination. He absolutely HAD to tell Sirius before it was too late…before some stupid female, using the excuse of the dance, was able to get her claws into him.

Most of the students were going to Hogsmeade the first weekend of December. Sirius declined going, Peter was sick and in the hospital wing, and James had decided to make a date with Lily. It was the perfect time for Remus to be alone and think of what he could possibly say to Sirius.

Walking through the streets of the quaint little town, Remus organized his thoughts. He definitely wanted it to be romantic…but he didn't know if he should be straightforward or give himself a sort of introduction. And also…when to do it?

Suddenly, inspiration struck. James and Peter were out of the dorm, and most Gryffindors were here at Hogsmeade—in case a scene was caused, no one would be there to notice. What better time than right now?

Thinking to himself how romantic it would be to burst into the room pronouncing his love, Remus ran back to the castle, using every shortcut and secret passage he knew.

Finally, he made it to the Fat Lady, completely out of breath. "Flubbernugget," he panted, and the portrait swung open. He dashed through, faintly hearing the Fat Lady exclaim, "What's the rush?"

Through the common room and up the stairs he bounded. Taking one final breath, he barged through the door to their dorm.

"Siri—" he began, but the sight before him froze his mouth mid-word. Black was there, lying on his four-poster bed…on top of someone else.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: No ownership of Harry Potter. If I did own it, I'd be rich.

To Chinese Fairy (thank you for heeding my request!!): I really appreciate your feedback. It's kind of my style to speed through all the filler (I really, really hate writing filler…I go for a more direct approach). It does seem a little rushed at times, I know…I'll try to work on it as best I can. I may even go back and edit the first few chapters a bit. I originally intended this to be a one-shot, but then new ideas formed and I just had to write them all down. Then of course there's the eagerness to get it out there lol. I'm glad you like it so far though!! Hopefully I don't disappoint in later chapters!!

Enjoy and please review!

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Sirius jerked his head up in surprise…revealing below him an all-too familiar face.

"..Snape?"

The so-mentioned young man sneered in response, obviously annoyed that his snogging session had been interrupted.

"Re-remus," stuttered Black. "I-I didn't expect you to be back…I-I mean…"

Lupin restrained the tears that were welling in his eyes. Luckily, the curtains in the room were mostly drawn; the darkness hid the top half of his face. "No, it's my fault," he replied as Sirius attempted to splutter more apologies. "Just, er, carry on I suppose…"

With that, Remus turned on his heel and left the room.

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SNAPE?! Sirius Black…Sirius _bloody_ Black…was snogging SNAPE?! _Snivellus_ Snape?!

Remus' mind reeled. What in Merlin's name was going on? Black and Snape absolutely hated each other, and there they were going at each other like it was the end of the bloody world.

More importantly—Sirius Black was snogging a man!

And that man was not Remus. Why, why, WHY did he not tell Sirius sooner?

Remus collapsed into an armchair by the Gryffindor fireplace, attempting to sort it out in his mind.

1: Sirius was gay. Alright, he could deal with that.

2: Sirius seemed to have a boyfriend. That was something he could possibly get past, but just in case he would have to ask James for some sabotage schemes.

3: Sirius' seemingly boyfriend seemed to be Severus Snape, the guy that Sirius and James just adored tormenting every single chance they got. Now _that_ was a roadblock.

He put his head in his hands. Maybe Sirius always teased Snape out of some weird love/hate thing. Or maybe…maybe Sirius was pretending to like him and then would pull the rug out from under him later.

No, he mustn't get his hopes up. Besides, Sirius couldn't be that cruel…and even if he could, there was no way in hell that he would have been kissing Snape with that…ferocity.

He winced at the mere thought.

At that moment, Snape and Sirius descended the staircase. Remus tried to blend into the armchair, but they noticed him. How wonderful.

Snape looked bored; Black looked uncomfortable. The latter walked his companion out of the portrait hole—no doubt for a goodbye kiss (Remus almost became sick at this thought) and then re-entered.

He stood there, twiddling his thumbs in awkwardness. Finally, Remus decided to break the silence. "What are you thinking?" he blurted out.

Sirius blushed. "I know, I know…but it turns out he's not as bad as—"

Remus cut him off. "Everyone seemed to know that but you and James. You loathed the man, and now you're snogging him and who knows what else up in our dormitory?"

He stopped himself. He couldn't afford to make the focus about the fact that it was Snape. He instead used the tactic that it made him uncomfortable that unmentionable things were being done in his room—with Snape.

"I mean," he continued, "James never fools around with Lily up there, and they're a pair that actually make sense. Shag whoever you want, but respect our shared space."

"Actually, we're not—"

"I don't care what you are or are not doing. Just don't take it in the dorm." Feeling slightly sorry for his stern reaction, he gritted his teeth and changed the subject, asking all the things one would expect to be asked when one enters a new romance. Sirius was hesitant at first, but seeing that his friend seemed alright with both his sexuality and his choice of partner, he began to open up more and more until he was practically gushing details.

And it was confirmed: Remus was in hell.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

I'm starting to really get depressed at the lack of reviews. Oh well, I write to write. Enjoy this next chapter.

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Remus could hardly bear the next month. With less than a week left before the Christmas holiday, Sirius and Severus had become widely known as a couple. They would walk to classes together with twined fingers, but their affection was beginning to progress to twining arms and bodies.

James and Peter had both been just as surprised as Remus had been, though only James could sympathize—not just because of Remus' feelings, but because he still had a strong disliking for _Snivellus_ (the name they continued to use behind Sirius' back).

The Christmas Eve dance drew closer. Since Peter couldn't scrounge up a date—not to mention his being a complete mama's boy—he returned home for the holiday. James and Lily preferred a visit with James' parents to the dance.

Sirius, who had always gone home with James on holidays, declined, saying he wanted to give Lily and James some space. How convenient that his boyfriend was staying at the castle as well.

Remus loved Hogwarts at Christmas, and wanted to spend one last holiday there. He considered not going to the dance, but the thought of sitting alone in his dormitory was far less appealing.

He ended up inviting a lovely sixth-year Ravenclaw by the name of Evelyn Bogsby. They had been close acquaintances, but they had never taken the plunge into full friendship. She was among the top of her class, and really seemed a perfect match for Remus—apart from the lack of body parts he preferred.

As a result of the invitation—and Sirius' frequent disappearances to meet with Snape—Remus and Evelyn suddenly became quite good friends. Though she was a year behind him, she was so bright that she was taking some advanced courses. They would find empty classrooms and stay out until late into the night discussing subjects such as literature and philosophy—even that of Muggles!

One particular evening, Remus arrived a bit early for their meeting at one of their usual haunts. He decided to wait inside.

Oddly enough, the door was locked. Remus was puzzled. Aside from classrooms that held valuables like Potions supplies, the classroom doors were never bolted. "Alohomora," he whispered, pointing his wand at the lock. It clicked open, and he let himself in.

His jaw dropped.

Inside the classroom were Sirius and Snape lying on top of a few desks they had hastily pushed together. They were tangled furiously with each other, both naked with the exception of their boxers and socks. It seemed as if there wasn't a part of their bodies that were not touching.

They continued their passionate encounter, oblivious that someone was watching. Remus' entrance had been so silent that neither of them had noticed.

Sirius was now in the process of sliding his hand down the other man's boxers. Snape moaned in anticipation, and gasped when the hand found its mark. He twined his fingers into Sirius' long black hair, throwing his head back in pleasure as Black began to pump his shaft.

Remus couldn't help but stare. He had come to loathe Snape, and to be disgusted by the sight of the two of them together, but this…was immensely hot. He just stood there and gawked at them as he felt his groin get warm and his pants become far too tight.

"Lupin," came a breathless, yet disgusted voice.

Snape's eyes had snapped open when Sirius had started to stroke faster, allowing him to see their uninvited audience.

Black paused in confusion, then whipped around, eyes wide.

Remus was caught.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter.

Well, it's been a few months, but here is my update—not that anyone really cares, seeing as there are only two reviews on this story.

And thank you, Ardespuffy, for your analysis of why I have not been getting reviews. The reason why I didn't say that Snape was going to be in it was because I wanted the surprise and disgust Remus felt for be conveyed to the reader. (Personally, I loathe the pairing too). Never fear! There will be some delicious SB/RL in the upcoming chapters! For now, please bear with me. If you wish to skip reading these chapters at wait for some SB/RL action, at lease give me some incentive to even finish. Post a review ranting about you can't wait for it and I need to post it NOW!! I dunno. I'm just a love-starved authoress =-(

As always, reviews are immensely appreciated. Enjoy (or not, fellow SB/SS loathers! Believe me, it pains me to write but it must be done!)

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"Remus, wha-what the hell are you doing?"

Sirius' alarmed voice snapped Remus out of his panicked shock. He quickly took stock of his circumstances—he had just walked in on his best friend/love of his life getting quite frisky with said friend's boyfriend/his own mortal enemy—and he had gotten turned on—and he got caught staring. Luckily, his robes hid his immense hard-on, and for all those two knew he had only been there for a few seconds.

His face took on a disgusted camouflage. "I could ask you the same question, Sirius. Bloody hell, you're practically shagging in an empty classroom! You're lucky it was me and not the Headmaster who walked in!"

Sirius' alarm turned to anger. He thrust himself off Snape and, not even bothering to right his clothing, stalked over to Remus. "I'm only doing this because a certain someone told me to respect the dormitory. If I can't be with Severus there, and I can't be with him here, where would you like me to go? The Forbidden Forest? Will that make you happy?"

Remus' jaw dropped. He hadn't thought he had done or said anything offensive enough to make his friend this angry. He was about to utter some semblance of a response when he heard footsteps coming down the hall.

Sirius, whose animalistic senses were more alert now that he was no longer in the throes of passion, heard them too. He snarled at Lupin and quickly fixed himself. Snape took his lover's lead.

Suddenly Remus remembered why he was there in the first place. "That'll be Evelyn," he said. "I should go. I'm sorry."

Sirius simply gave him a cold glare, which was mimicked by Snape. Flushing, Remus opened the door and almost walked straight into Evelyn. She had been on the verge of grasping the doorknob and walking into the room. She started, letting out a slight cry of surprise as she stumbled backwards; he muttered his apologies while closing the door behind him, hiding the two men within. Then she began to laugh. It was a musical laugh, the kind that could soothe any anger or hurt. Remus couldn't help but smile and chuckle at his own stupidity.

"Hey Evelyn," he said. She gave him a somewhat nervous grin and quickly brushed her brown bangs from her eyes. "Hi, Remus." She then changed her nervousness into a competitive smugness. "Are you ready to get your butt kicked in Muggle Chess?"

"Not quite," Remus replied, matching her competitive tone. "I believe I'll best you once again."

"We'll see," said Evelyn, and made to walk inside the room.

"Not in there!" Remus exclaimed, and when the girl gave him a confused look, he sheepishly explained, "My friends are such pranksters. They hexed the room so that the walls begin to spit out soap suds whenever someone is in there."

Evelyn looked confused, but did not question her friend. "Alright, we'll find somewhere else to play," she said.

Relieved that she easily took the explanation, Remus nodded, and the two headed down the hall together.

Behind them, the door slowly opened. Sirius watched them walk away, arm in arm, and sneered.

Snape rested a hand on his shoulder, inviting him to partake of him again. Sirius shrugged him off; then, reconsidering, he took Snape up in his arms and shoved him back against their bed of desks.

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In the blink of an eye, the Christmas ball was upon Hogwarts. Sirius and Remus had been a bit cold to each other directly following the incident, but after about a week they had gone back to being best friends.

Not that that meant very much. Black was still spending the majority of the time with Snape. In fact, Remus hardly ever saw Sirius at all, except for at night in the dormitory. Remus began to put up a wall between himself and his feelings for Sirius. It helped that Sirius was often absent, and it didn't hurt as much thinking about his friend's relationship because it was never flaunted in his face. This distance left Remus to default to his newest friend.

Evelyn wasn't being a typical schoolgirl when it came to the dance. While other girls squealed and squeaked about their dresses and hair and what they hoped would happen between them and their dates, Evelyn remained quite calm. She did request that Remus go shopping with her for a dress, but that was mainly because she preferred his company to the gaggle of girls encouraging each other to buy either the poofiest princess types or the slinky types that accentuated the curves and made boobs look fantastic.

Remus and Evelyn ended up choosing a modest cerulean dress. It made her look stunning without being too revealing, and the blue really accentuated her eyes. Despite being quite mature for her age, Evelyn did do a semblance of a happy dance when she tried it on.

Remus selected deep blue dress robes that almost looked black. He knew Evelyn was not demanding that she be the center of attention, but he wanted her to stand out.

On the night of the dance, he presented her with a corsage of pale blue orchids and white roses. She was thrilled, and kissed him on the cheek in gratitude.

Remus took a cursory glance around the common room. He had agreed to meet Sirius there at 6:45. It was 7:15, the dance had already begun—and there was no sign of Sirius. Sighing, Remus resigned himself to leaving without his friend. He wrapped his arm around Evelyn's and escorted her out of the common room.

They were forced to weave around couples that had already taken to snogging in the corridors, crying girls, gangs of boys making fun. Finally, they reached the Great Hall and were inundated with the sounds of loud music. Apparently they had missed the first few classical dances, and the music had been turned over to the music of the teens.

Remus felt slightly uncomfortable with the music, but Evelyn, bless her, felt right at home. Remus was surprised at how easily she fell into the rhythm, how sensually she danced without even attempting to be provocative. It was beautiful to watch, and other boys were making it obvious that they noticed her. Remus was glad that he was the one dancing with her.

They danced for hours—to both fast, contemporary music and the slower waltzes. Remus was having a fantastic time, and he was glad to see that Evelyn was too. Eventually they got tired, and they made their way across the great hall to sit down and get a drink.

For a while they sat and chatted loudly over the blasting music. Suddenly, a flash of green caught Remus' attention.

There, in the center of a throng of people, was Sirius—practically having dry sex with Severus. It was beautiful, but for a different reason than Evelyn's dancing was beautiful. While Evelyn's was sensual, Sirius' was purely sexual, almost wild and animalistic in nature. He was clearly attempting a sort of seduction with Snape, and Snape was eager to oblige. Their pelvises thrust against each other in perfect unison. Their hands were ravaging each others' bodies, and their mouths were in constant motion—either locked together or with one man licking or biting his lip to further entice his companion.

Remus was at once both mesmerized and filled with rage. The wall came crumbling down, and his love for Sirius came down upon him in torrents. He saw red—and felt the overwhelming urge to punch that damn Snivellus right in the groin.

"Remus?" came Evelyn's voice. Remus realized that he had actually leapt up from his seat, fists clenched. He didn't care. He needed to stop this.

"Remus, what's wrong? Is everything ok?" Evelyn asked, a little louder. Remus ignored her. That bastard, THAT BASTARD, his head kept shouting at him. It took all he had not to scream it out loud. He took a step forward, though, face contorted with fury.

"Remus!"

The young man blinked at Evelyn's exclamation. Even though it wasn't loud enough to attract much attention, Sirius heard it, too. His blue eyes, blazing with passion, shifted over to see the cause.

Doing a drastic 180, Remus stifled his anger so that his friend wouldn't see. He turned to Evelyn, his expression turning apologetic. "I'm sorry, I just felt a little sick. Would you mind if I left? You're having fun; stay if you want. But I think I have to get back upstairs."

Evelyn looked concerned. "Oh Remus, of course I don't mind. I'll come with you."

"You don't have to," he replied, but she shot him a look that he couldn't argue with.

They hooked arms and exited the Great Hall. Instead of going back to the dormitory, though, they decided to escape the chaos of the dance altogether. "Let's find somewhere quiet we can sit and talk," Remus suggested. "That will make me feel better." They headed for the Room of Requirement, thinking to themselves that they needed a refuge.

The door appeared, and upon entering the room they found it was completely soundproof. It had the feel of a common room, with a fireplace and plush sofas to sit on.

Relieved, they fell back into the cloth of the sofas.

"This is better," Remus sighed, and his eyes closed.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Evelyn asked softly.

Remus let out another sigh, this one more exasperated. He squeezed his eyes shut, wondering if he should tell her his problem. She seemed trustworthy enough. "Oh I don't know, Ev," he began. "I just—lately we've been getting closer. I've been wanting to tell you this for a while. I've been afraid of what you think of me. But I think now I finally can."

Remus steeled himself, ready to reveal his deepest secret to a girl he hadn't even known a few months ago. "Evelyn, I—"

"Remus," he was cut off, "I think I know what you're trying to say."

And with that, Remus felt a soft pair of lips press themselves against his.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter or its characters.

I have finally returned to this story. I do apologize for the lack of Sirius/Remus, but I suppose my mind got more caught up in the story than I had originally intended.

This will be the second-to-last chapter. It does contain some graphic images at the very beginning-you have been warned. I'm afraid it's not very long, but I am already well into the next chapter and I assure you it will make up for everything. Thanks for bearing with me...enjoy! =-)

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Sirius kissed him with such furious passion. Could this possibly be happening? Surely it was too good to be true. Remus melted into his kisses; it was pure bliss.

They both tumbled to the sofa in a tangle of limbs. Black was everywhere at once, and yet Remus was burning with a fire that would not be quenched. "Take me," he gasped. His lover simply smirked in reply.

With one fluid motion, Sirius flipped him onto his back and forcefully pushed his leaking erection into Remus' tight hole.

Remus screamed in pain, but Black was unconcerned. He pounded into him again and again, allowing no time for adjustment.

"Pads…" Lupin shrieked. "You're…hurting…" The rest of his sentence was swallowed by a tortured howl that ripped from his throat.

Black's face contorted in evil pleasure at the sound, and his wicked grin grew wider when he felt blood soak the cushions beneath them.

"I hope you know I'm going to kill you, Moony," he snickered, thrusting his cock even deeper inside Remus. "You die tonight."

"No…no…ple…ase…no…"

"Remus…"

His eyes began to fog, and Sirius' distorted voice echoed through his head.

"Remus…Remus…REMUS!"

The werewolf's eyes shot open. Blood pounded in his ears as he gasped for air. A woman's face materialized before him. Disoriented, he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for his head to stop swimming.

_Just a dream_, he reassured himself. But it had felt so real.

A warm hand stroked his face, which was slick with sweat. "Remus," the woman's voice crooned, "it's alright. You're alright."

The hand rested on his cheek, and another was placed on the opposite side of his face. Silken lips met his for a fleeting moment. "Come back to me, Remus."

The werewolf's breathing had slowed substantially. With some difficulty, he opened his eyes. Before him was a dimly lit bedroom. It was not extravagant; it was furnished with only a dresser, a nightstand which held the flickering candle, and a bed. He was naked in the bed, next to…

"Evelyn," he croaked.

She smiled softly. "You were having that dream about Sirius again. I can't blame you, after what he's put you through."

"I'm sorry I woke you," Lupin muttered.

"Don't be. I was hardly asleep anyway."

"No," Remus growled. "This is ludicrous. It's been months…"

"Remus…listen to me. Your entire world has been turned upside-down."

"That's no excuse."

Evelyn's voice grew stern. "First the love of your life becomes romantically involved with the most revolting creature on the planet. Then, he not only becomes a follower of You-Know-Who, not only betrays your best friends and his godson, but also murders your other friend, along with a handful of Muggles, in cold blood. And laughs!"

Lupin ran a hand through his soaked hair. "Ev, this isn't right. It can't go on. Not just the dreams, but…" He gestured to their predicament.

"Come off it, Remus. We've been doing this for years."

"It's not fair to you. Here you are, providing for my every need. And what do I, a gay werewolf in love with his murdering best friend, have to offer you?"

"A hell of a good shag," Evelyn mumbled jokingly.

"I'm being serious."

"You proposed to me. _I'm_ the one who declined, remember?"

"Because I'm gay."

"Because we're _friends_."

Lupin sighed in exasperation. "This is going nowhere."

"We have this argument all the time."

"And I still end up in your bed." He clutched his head in his hands. "What is _wrong_ with me?"

Evelyn rubbed his back soothingly. "Listen, Remus. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told you the night of the Christmas ball. _Nothing is wrong with you_. You come to me because you need to feel that special closeness with someone who truly understands you."

"You deserve better."

"You're the best I've found so far." She chuckled. "Believe me, Remus, straight men are no picnic."

"I can imagine."

"Besides, I'm not even sure I'm the marrying sort."

At this, Remus couldn't help but release a slight grin. "Yes, you'd much rather have scandalous late-night affairs with homosexual werewolves."

Evelyn replied, with an air of solemnity, "They just line up at my door, howling their affections."

Remus' imagination conjured up the scene, and he burst out in laughter. Soon Evelyn joined him. They laughed together, and Lupin pulled the woman into a tight embrace. "Thank you," he whispered.

They sank down in the bed, wrapped in each others' arms. "Remus…you should go talk to him," Evelyn murmured. "It might ease your mind."

As he drifted off to sleep, Remus resolved to make a trip to Azkaban.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own its characters.

**Thank you** to my new reviewers! Zeoness, QueenSunset, PrivateSquare, and Cat: people like you are the reason I continue to write. Thank you so much for your encouragement! This chapter is dedicated to you.

**I know** I said that Chapter 7 was the second-to-last chapter…it seems that is false. This is the true second-to-last chapter. Really, it's the first half of the last chapter. As I was writing it, I realized it was getting so long! The last chapter should be out soon (and that will be the real last chapter—unless reviewers start clamoring for me to continue lol). I truly hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

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It was cold…so very cold. Surely this frigid temperature was meant to break the spirits of incoming prisoners. Remus nibbled on a bar of chocolate, but he doubted the he had any good memories left for the dementors to take. Compared to his recent onslaught of nightmares, dementors were a bunch of playful puppies.

Lupin stared with unseeing eyes out the barred window of the wizard guard's office, completely lost in his thoughts. Never had he imagined he would be in this awful place, with Sirius…

No. He had worked so hard to build the barrier between himself and his emotions. He could not afford to let that crumble to sympathize with a traitor.

"Sorry it took so long," the guard grunted from behind him. "He's the only one we use these Muggle keys for. Don't want to risk him getting his hands on a wand, you see."

Remus' eyes remained fixed on an obscure point outside. "Of course," he murmured.

The guard coughed. "Speaking of which, I'll need to ask for your wand."

"I understand…" Lupin's hand went to his pocket, but then hesitated. He _could_ do it. No one had ever broken out of Azkaban before—but with his skills and knowledge of the Dark Arts, it was feasible. And of course the most difficult obstacle was avoided. He wasn't in a cell; the keys to Black's prison were right in front of him.

"Sir?" The guard's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. What was he thinking? No matter what their past had been, Sirius was now nothing more than a cold-blooded killer.

"My apologies," Remus said evenly, presenting his wand to the guard.

They made their way through a winding labyrinth of cells, down a dank staircase, and through at least five corridors. After what seemed to be an eternity, the reached a solitary cell, dark due to the lack of a window. Even Remus' heightened senses could barely make out the figure shackled to the wall.

"He's in solitary confinement, this one. They all get chained up the first few months, but he's the first to get sent down here." The guard banged on the iron bars, causing Remus to wince. "Hey, Black. You've got company." Surprisingly, his voice did not echo throughout the cavern.

"May I go in?" Lupin asked quietly.

"If you must," the guard replied. "But I'll have to lock you in there with him."

"Of course."

The guard took out his set of keys and slipped one off the ring. "This is to his shackles—if you feel like letting him loose about the cell."

Remus replied softly, "That won't be necessary."

"Take it," the guard insisted with a wicked grin. "Some folks change their minds…once they see how helpless they are, if you know how I mean."

"That's sick," Remus muttered, but not loud enough to be heard. Regardless, he accepted the key.

"I'll give you two your privacy. The walls are wired to alert me when you're done. Just touch the bars, and I'll come down in a jiff." He directed his voice inside the cell. "And it does not respond to prisoners' touch, so no funny business!"

The guard opened the cell door to admit Remus, and quickly closed it again. "Enjoy your visit," he said, and disappeared down the corridor.

Lupin waited until the guard's footsteps were inaudible before he spoke. It was all he could do to maintain an even tone.

"Good evening, Sirius."

"Is it evening?" the figure on the wall croaked the distorted voice of Sirius. "If it were, I wouldn't know it."

Remus' brow furrowed at the sound. What had they been doing to his friend?

He noticed an old torch, covered in cobwebs, on the wall. He felt around in his pockets until he found a small matchbook—one of the few things he always carried with him. Wizards relied too much on magic.

With hands shaking in fear of what he might see, he struck the match and held it to the old torch. It took the blaze, instantly illuminating the room. He had expected the worst, but he was in no way prepared for the sight before him.

Sirius was unrecognizable. His flowing black hair had become a greasy, tangled mess. There was no hint of a beard, probably due to Black, in his seventh year, bewitching his face to eliminate the need to shave. But his face was gaunt, his skin sallow. His clothing hung from him in shreds, and Remus could smell dried blood. In just a few months, Sirius had gone from a strong, gorgeous man to the skeleton of one. The only remnants of his old self were his eyes, blue and bright.

"I know," Black chuckled, seeing the horrified expression on his friend's face. "I'm not pretty anymore."

"You're not anything anymore," Remus snapped, tearing his eyes away.

"I haven't had any visitors," Sirius continued, ignoring Lupin's harshness. "I never thought you'd come…but I always hoped—"

"And why should I have?" Remus interrupted angrily, turning back with a cold glare.

"Because…that's what friends do."

Lupin burst out in twisted laughter. "It is really? Do friends also ruthlessly murder each other? Do they, Sirius?"

The werewolf's outburst hung heavily in the air. Sirius was silent.

"I thought not," Remus muttered, regaining his composure.

Sirius swallowed hard. "Let me explain something to you," he said, his tight voice barely more than a whisper. "I never betrayed the Potters. It was Peter. I insisted he become Secret-Keeper. I didn't know he was a Death Eater, just like I didn't know he'd turn traitor or annihilate that street full of Muggles when I followed him."

Remus glared at him icily. "You expect me to believe that rubbish? You killed Peter. All that was left was a finger."

"He cut it off and transformed. A rat could've easily disappeared into the rubble, Remus."

"You're talking nonsense." Remus sighed as he felt a pull on his heart. How he longed to believe this fabrication…but it just couldn't be possible.

"You don't have to believe me, but I swear on my life it's the truth."

"Your life is over thanks to what you've done," Lupin replied in a dark tone. "I don't know why I bothered to come. The Sirius I knew is dead."

With a swish of his cloak and a hardened heart, the werewolf turned to leave.

"Remus, wait."

The werewolf hesitated, powerless to resist Sirius' pleading tone, laced with sorrow.

"There's something else you should know. I've always been hesitant to tell you…but I suppose now it doesn't matter. I'll die in here, anyway." There was a nervous chuckle.

Remus turned to face Black. "What is it you want to tell me?" he asked thickly. Nothing Black said could possibly change his mind. His old friend was a killer, dishonorable and ruthless.

Sirius looked up, his gorgeous eyes gleaming behind his matted hair. "I love you, Remus."

The breath caught in Lupin's throat.

"Not—not like a best mate," Sirius continued. "I'm in love with you."

This was unacceptable.

"Liar," Lupin growled, nearly inaudible.

"I have _always_ been in love with you."

Remus' carefully constructed wall came crashing down around him in a wave of violent passion and fury. "You LIAR," he roared, the sound of his voice powerful enough to echo through the chamber. "You NEVER loved me! If you had, we wouldn't be here. You would have never betrayed Lily and James. We would have danced at their wedding! We would have been together!"

Suddenly, he broke into hot, angry tears as the memories of Hogwarts flooded his senses. "You would have never been with Snape. SNAPE! You had SEX with him, Sirius! How could you possibly claim to love me when you carried on as you did, FLAUNTED him in my face, and then shagged him as if there'd be no tomorrow? I loved you, Sirius, more than anything. I came here because I loved you! And even now you mock me!"

He was shaking now, and panting heavily. "You murderous, lying _snake,_" he choked out.

Sirius' eyes, wide with shock, began to brim with tears. "You…you think I slept with him?" he whispered.

"Of course you did," hissed Remus. "It was all over the bloody school."

"You believe everything you hear?"

"And the way you two…were with each other…"

"We were hormone-driven teenagers, Remus."

Lupin was still fuming, but his angry retorts were beginning to wane. He never really had caught Black doing the deed. In truth, his argument didn't have much to stand on.

"Look, Moony—"

"Don't call me that," Remus spat.

Sirius sighed. "I don't care if you believe anything else I've told you tonight. It doesn't matter; it won't change anything. But I _need_ you to believe this. Snape and I…just happened out of convenience. He needed to forget that Lily was the love of his life; I needed to push you out of my mind. I was so terribly afraid to tell you. I never imagined...that you could possibly love me too."

The look in Sirius' eyes proved that this could be nothing but the truth. Remus searched deeply into his gaze, but he could find no trace of dishonesty.

"But I never slept with Severus. I never slept with anyone." His voice faltered. "It was you, Remus. For the rest of my days, there will only be you."

The werewolf's mind churned. The man he had loved for all this time had actually loved him, too. The story made sense...didn't it? It had to be true. Black had turned to Snape the way Remus had turned to Evelyn, and countless other lovers. But there was one distinct difference.

Remus gasped in amazement. "You really…never…?"

"No," Sirius replied, his voice finally breaking with emotion. "I was waiting. For you."

Tears once again sprang to Remus' eyes, but this time they were full of sorrow and regret. "I…I…"

"I know," said Sirius. "It's alright. I understand. I couldn't see...it was my fault. I wasn't being very fair to you, Remus, and you were right to do what you did."

"Sirius…"

"I have one final request," Black murmured. "If you loved me...just kiss me. Please."

His soft, pleading voice was like a shot through Remus' nerves. The man he had been in love with all these years…

In a few short strides, he closed the distance between himself and Sirius. Their faces inches apart, he hooked his arm behind Sirius' back and pulled him as close as the shackles would allow.

With his left hand, he brushed some of Sirius' long, filthy hair from his eyes. Hooking the locks around Sirius' ear, he looked deeply into his love's quivering gaze. With two of his fingers, he delicately traced down Sirius' cheek. The prisoner closed his eyes, cherishing the touch.

This was the moment Remus had been waiting for all but 16 years of his life. After all this time, his lips found those of his love.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter.

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers—**Chloe 'Remuslupin' Black**, **Queen Sunset**, **Zeoness**, and **Cat—**as well as to those who have placed this story (and me!) on their Favorites lists. I probably would not have finished this if it weren't for your kind words and encouragements. Once again, this is for you!

Also, thank you to my boyfriend…even though you don't read my stories, you inspire me more than you know. I love you.

**Warning.** This chapter contains mature themes (aka **lemon**, folks). Just thought I'd let you know.

And now this story comes to a close. Enjoy it!

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It was as if stars had burst forth from the sky and descended upon him, shining light into any darkness it found. His heart pounded in his chest, and his breath caught in his throat. This was absolute bliss, and he had found it.

The kiss was slow, each of them hesitant, each unwilling to let go of the experience. Finally, Remus, with great difficulty, pulled away. His eyes instantly locked with Sirius', and they looked both terrified and confused.

Remus opened his mouth to explain why he'd stopped, but no words came to him. He stared stupidly at Sirius for a moment, and then began to fumble for the key the guard had given him. His hands shook so much that the key slipped and missed the lock the first few tries, but with a considerable amount of effort he was able to release the shackles.

He and Sirius were in each others' arms instantly. Sirius used his freedom to caress Remus' scarred face as they kissed; Remus grabbed hold of Sirius' meager form and refused to let go. The prison dissolved around them, bringing them to a place in their youth where time stood still. They sank to the floor, passionately kissing all the hurt away.

When their eyes locked again, they no longer expressed fear or confusion. Just pure love, untainted by any evil.

Black clutched at Remus' face, now tearstained with joy. He brushed his lips tenderly against those of his love…and then slipped his tongue between them. This contact made Remus shudder with longing.

They instantly became more intense. In seconds, the tatters of Sirius' clothes were no longer on his body, and all but Remus' briefs were thrown in a heap on the floor.

Remus traced kisses down Sirius' neck and abdomen, too enraptured to cringe at the metallic taste of dried blood. Black whimpered when Remus bypassed his throbbing, naked erection and instead began to suck the sensitive areas on his thighs. Sensing that his lover needed relief, Lupin brought his lips to hover above the tip of Black's hardness. When he heard a gasp of surprise and desire, he looked up to meet Black's gaze. He then proceeded to release a breath of hot air, and followed it by flicking his tongue along the tip. Sirius' blue eyes grew large in anticipation. Finally, in a sudden motion, Remus drew the entirety into his mouth. Sirius couldn't help but let out a strangled howl.

The werewolf's lips pulled into a smirk, and he pulled away. Sirius writhed as Remus' hot mouth enveloped him again, right down to the base. Lupin then began to suck. His head moved up and down over and over again, until Sirius almost reached his climax. "St-stop…" he groaned. He lifted his hand in a pathetic attempt to push Remus away, but his lover had already come to an abrupt halt.

The werewolf's eyes filled with concern. He knew it was too good to be true. All this—it was too much after all. "What is it?" he whispered.

"Remus…I want you," Sirius breathed.

Lupin's eyes flashed with apprehension as this quite unexpected opportunity presented itself. "Are you sure?"

"It's all I ever wanted."

This admission alone was enough to send Remus keeling over the edge. He breathed a sigh of bliss and quickly slipped off his underwear. Taking Sirius' virginity into account, he began to moisten his fingers. Black's hand suddenly clutched his.

"No, no," Sirius panted. "Just you. Only you."

Although he was apprehensive, there was no way Remus could deny his love's request. He rubbed himself with his slick fingers. He propped Sirius' legs on his shoulders and rubbed his large erection against Sirius' anus. The latter moaned in longing. Slowly, gently…Remus entered him.

Sirius, at first, grunted in pain. Sensing this, Remus held himself back. He stopped for a moment to let Sirius adjust, and then began to move again. Soon Sirius' grunts of pain turned into groans of pleasure, and it was only at this point could Remus begin to enjoy it.

Sirius' hole was tight with virginity. The way it clamped around Remus' erection almost had him seeing stars. And with Sirius' naked body writhing under him—it was almost more than he could bear. He had to contain himself. Merlin, this felt so good, so right.

"I love you," he breathed. Sirius moaned in reply.

Lupin delved deeper inside his lover, to more tender regions, until Sirius cried out in ecstasy. He pulled out quickly, and then pounded into the spot again, and again, faster each time.

Black could not keep still. He squirmed under his lover in fits of pleasure. He wrapped his arms around Remus to steady himself, and his fingernails raked down his back, surely drawing blood. The werewolf's mind barely registered the pain. Those were scars he wouldn't mind having.

He pulled Sirius closer, and placed another heated kiss on his lips. Black caught his lower lip with his teeth as he broke away, and used the opportunity to shove his tongue into Remus' mouth.

Lupin settled into a slower rocking of his hips as their tongues danced. As fast paced as they had been before, he needed this moment to last. They broke the kiss, and Remus continued the slow rhythm. He placed his head on Sirius' chest to hear his heartbeat.

As they breathed in perfect unison, Remus became aware of a different desire—one he had never fulfilled, not with a single one of his male lovers.

"Pads," he murmured affectionately. "I need you."

"You have me."

Remus shook his head. "No…I mean…" He looked up to see Black's glistening blue eyes, and his expression conveyed what his words had failed to.

With a mutual understanding reached, Remus pulled out of his lover. Sirius grimaced at the loss, but craned his neck to kiss Lupin once again. The werewolf grabbed his arm and pulled him over so that Black was the one in control.

Despite his emaciated state, Sirius sprang into action. His hands were everywhere: brushing his fingers along Remus' lips, caressing his face, stroking his arms and chest. He ground their hips together, causing their naked erections to massage each other. Black sucked seductively at the nape of Lupin's neck, causing his lover to let out a soft moan. With expert skill, he moved to brush his tongue against Remus' erect nipples. His lover gasped; no one had ever done that to him before.

Sensing this, Sirius began to graze them with his teeth. Remus squirmed beneath him. Black drew his attention to Lupin's right nipple. He flicked his tongue around it and, as Remus bucked his hips in pleasure, began to suck it.

The werewolf moaned loudly. His fingers dug into the ground beneath him. Sirius switched to his left nipple, and Remus bucked with such force that he almost threw Black off. "I can't…" he whimpered.

"Hush." Black placed a finger over his lips. Lupin responded by drawing it into his mouth. He sucked it forcefully, coating it with saliva. He drew in a second, and third finger, enveloping them all down to the knuckle. Black threw his head back in satisfaction as Remus tickled his fingertips with his tongue. He withdrew his hand and replaced it with his lips.

Aggressively, he raped Remus' mouth with his tongue, and inserted his first slick finger into Lupin's entrance. The werewolf would have groaned in discomfort, but he was too involved to care. Black probed inside of him for a moment, and then added his second finger. As he slowly stretched the tight space, he realized that this was Remus' first time as well. His eyes widened and heart pounded with the sudden understanding that this intimacy was meant for him, and him alone.

He pulled his lips from Lupin's and removed his fingers. Winding Remus into an unyielding embrace, he entered. The werewolf cried out in pain, and grimaced as Sirius pushed his large member deeper. Black tightened his embrace and nibbled softly at the base of his lover's neck, willing the pain away. As soon as he felt he was as far as he could go, he paused.

Remus breathed heavily beneath him. Inwardly, he cursed himself for having such a low tolerance for physical pain. Many minutes passed before he gave a slight nod, indicating it was alright to continue.

Sirius caught Remus' lips in a soft kiss and began to move within his lover. The werewolf's face contorted in pain, but he was able to focus on the blissful sensation of the kiss. He was amazed how this came so naturally to Sirius, who more than made up for his lack of experience as their encounter wore on. Soon, he had driven Remus to pounding back against him, words only half escaping his lips because they turned to moans halfway through.

Sirius wrapped his fingers around his lover's shaft and began stroking to the rhythm of his thrusts. Remus saw stars. He grasped at anything he could get hold of—Sirius' shoulders, his raven hair—and clenched his fists around them. "Siri…I…I…"

Black understood. He had been trying to hold himself back for Remus' sake. But now the climax was so close he could taste it. His intensity increased, pushing harder and faster into the man beneath him.

Remus wailed with satisfaction, but Sirius cut it off with a firm kiss. They moaned into each others' mouths, the vibrations only fueling the fire.

With great shudders, Sirius released into his lover. Remus followed soon after.

Black toppled over, unable to hold himself up any longer. Given his emaciated state, he was surprised he hadn't already passed out from the strain. Remus remained on his back on the ground, shivering in spasms of pleasure. He wrapped an arm around his lover and drew him close, so that Black's head was cradled in his shoulder. They breathed together, in unison, and slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

When Remus opened his eyes once more, he had already subconsciously convinced himself it had been a dream. Therefore, his yelp of absolute shock at the scene before his eyes caused his partner to stir.

Sirius' eyes fluttered open, and he managed to give his lover an amused grin. "Surprised to see me, eh, Moony?"

Remus pulled himself into a sitting position—away from Sirius—and stared at the ground. Now that the heat was gone, he became caught between hatred and love. Despite everything they had shared, this man was still a murderer.

Sirius read his expression, and his grin faltered. "I see," he murmured.

"No, you don't." Remus' voice wavered. "I'm still madly in love with you. I think I always will be. I can't…" He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears away. "I can't ever be rid of it. It's wrong to love you, Sirius. You killed our friends."

"I told you I didn't."

"That's a lie."

"Believe what you will."

"Sirius!" The tears were spilling now, and Remus couldn't help but stare into the blue eyes he loved. "You don't understand. I want, more than ANYTHING, to believe you. I want to take you out of this horrid place. But your story makes no sense. I love you, Sirius Black. But I cannot make myself believe you, no matter how much I want to."

Black dragged himself to his lover and, with great difficulty, sat up. "I told you before," he whispered, tears welling in his own eyes, "I don't care if you believe anything else that I said tonight. Just, please, believe that I love you." He traced his fingers along Remus' face. "Never stop believing that."

Remus swallowed hard and nuzzled his cheek into Sirius' open palm. Even after all that had happened, he couldn't bear to doubt those words. Ironically, Sirius had been the one to break him apart—and had also been the one to make him whole again. He could never let that go.

"I should leave," he said, sniffing back a fresh onslaught of tears. "Where are my robes?"

In minutes they had dressed, neither saying a word to the other. The werewolf touched the bars of the cell, and they glowed blue. Remus hoped the guard would be swift. If he stayed here any longer, he'd surely go mad.

With a heavy heart, Remus removed a key from his pocket. Sirius backed against the wall and raised his arms in silent compliance.

As Remus locked the shackles in place, he had to stifle a sob. He stared into Sirius' bright blue eyes, refusing to look at anything else.

"I love you," Sirius murmured. Remus opened his mouth to reply, but he heard approaching footsteps in the hall. Instead of taking up precious moments with words, he dipped his head to catch his lover's lips with his own. They shared a final, tender kiss. Remus squeezed his eyes shut, wanting this to be the last, lingering memory of Sirius Black.

They did not say goodbye. They remained locked in a world all their own, each trying to memorize the touch of the other's lips, until Remus sensed the guard's presence closeby. With eyes still closed, he broke away and walked toward the door just as the guard came into view.

His exit from Azkaban was uneventful. He was vaguely aware of the guard speaking to him, but he had no idea whether or not he replied. When he arrived home, he could barely remember the journey. All he could think of was Sirius. If only he had not been so stupid, so cowardly, so _blind…_perhaps none of this would have ever happened. Perhaps they would have had a long, happy relationship. Perhaps they would be sitting with the Potters, drinking butterbeer and laughing about the old days. Perhaps they would be nestled in each others' arms every night…every _moment_.

But these were all just suppositions. He could not possibly know for sure what would have happened. He simply knew that he would be living with regret for the rest of his days.

-End-


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